Category: Positivity

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Positivity

Follow your dreams?

I’ve never liked the saying Follow your Dreams. What the heck? Dreams are ephemeral, gauzy and unrealistic. I much prefer goal setting and strategizing in order to meet those goals.

The whole Follow your Dreams thing is just so … dreamy. It bugs me. I believe in stretch goals. Is it semantics? No, it’s an important distinction.

Dreams differ from goals and objectives in their essence. Dreams are what happens when your mind wanders. They are conjured by uncalculated and unsupervised cognitive meandering. I enjoy my dreams, both daydreams and those when I’m asleep. I do not direct my life by them.

Objectives, on the other hand, are intentional and have intellectual meaning. Stretch goals are based on reason and yet take you out of your comfort zone and put you on a path to becoming more.

The word “passion” is similar in my book. Passion connotes strong emotion – an emotion that drives you. But what happens when that emotion wanes, as emotions do? Instead of “passion” I prefer “dedication to reaching those goals.”

“Follow your dreams” and “live your passions” are insanely unhelpful tips when the bills need paying or the rent is almost due.

I have short term goals, mid-range goals and a 15 year plan. I like the idea of looking ahead and having a direction.

So dream if you must. But then set your objectives and goals, and create a strategy to stretch yourself. You won’t be disappointed when you wake up.

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Positivity

Success and Failure

Failure and success often go hand in hand. It’s important when we look at our failures to also look for the successes that arise. They are often concurrent, imminent, or even resultant. Seeing these successes is important to keep our spirits strong and help us move forward, even when the future seems dark.

Success concurrent with failure

Michael Jordan says, “I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot, and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” This sentiment is reminiscent of the author who, when asked how he planned to find a publisher, said, “My goal is to be rejected 100 times this year.” He found a taker after the first few months without discouragement because he was realistic about how many times he needed to fail to succeed.

Success following failure

Steve Jobs was fired from Apple early in his career because he was too demanding and authoritarian. He took stock of his priorities and renewed his determination to be a good leader. Rehired as the CEO of Apple, he went on to be one of the world’s greatest innovators and businessmen. Jobs says, “I didn’t see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter into one of the most creative periods of my life. I’m pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn’t been fired from Apple.”

Success resulting from failure

Oprah Winfrey was fired as a news anchor because she would get too close to her news stories. “I once went back…after covering a family that had been burned out and brought them some of my blankets and stuff. And the assistant news director…told me…that if I did that again and they found out about it, I could be fired because I was involving myself in other people’s stories. Which is true, you’re there to cover the story, not get involved in it….” But that is what Oprah does best. Getting fired led her to realize the one thing she had the most success with.

A mixed bag

Personally, this has been a hella five years. The list of failures is long. Failed business, divorce, son’s suicide, loss on the sale of my house, crippling debt, moved back into my parents’ home. Those are the biggies, but there are others that were smaller. Ongoing issues with self-control and self-care, lack of follow through with short-term goals, and other daily misdeeds that add up quickly.

The thing is though, there were many successes as well. I found a great job, as well as a new and fresh relationship. All my children are working and independent. I paid off my consumer debt, started investing and saving, and completed a second master’s with honors.

The failures that lead to changes in our lives are just a part of the story. There is little that can’t be overcome – maybe not directly or immediately, but in time and maybe in a different direction.

Make a list of the successes you have had and read over them carefully and often. Focus on them, especially in the wake of failure. Your successes will follow you if you invite them!

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Positivity

Grace, Graciousness and Southern Hospitality

The South is recognized for its graciousness, known all over the world as Southern Hospitality. What makes the South’s graciousness notable is that everyone is the beneficiary. When it comes to good old-fashioned manners, no one is left out. It’s this civility that separates the South from the rest of the world. I remember a line from a play some years ago (I couldn’t track down the reference), “Why without our manners, we’re no better than the Yankees!” Tongue in cheek, of course! But I do believe using manners makes us better people.

And it’s not just manners that make the South’s politeness gracious. The South sometimes gets a bad rap, but it has a warmth and acceptance that is palpable. No one is a stranger. All passers-by are greeted, and every visitor has a place to stay. The atmosphere is friendly and engaging. Southerners like you until there is a reason not to like you.

And Southerners love to entertain. Not just eating barbecue and watching the game, but teas (where iced tea is served) and we wear our Sunday clothes and eat petit-fors and cheese straws. Teas are usually in honor of a special occasion, but almost any occasion can be considered special with a properly printed invitation.

Beyond the graciousness is the grace. Southerners may not agree with your life choices, but they will sure set a place for you at their table. Dinner parties mean the table is set and desserts are homemade. There is always a prayer thanking the Good Lord for His provision, the gathering of good friends, and a blessing on the hands that prepared the food. Always.

There is a pervasive intent to not openly disrespect others. Southerners try hard not to poke into others’ dirty laundry and try even harder not to air their own. Other regions almost make a competition of shouting from the roof tops how someone has done them wrong – signs in the yard decrying the offense, constant chatter in the workplace and on social media, even billboards that try to eek sympathy for the victim of a personal affront. In the South, we keep all that behind closed doors. People who need to know, know. For the rest, it’s just none of their dadgum business.

Southerners tend to put a sweet spin on how someone acts even if they don’t understand it or are not sure of their intent. You’ll often hear the benignly patronizing “Bless her heart” accompanying disapproval. One of life’s biggest successes is being able to overcome ill feelings when you want to retaliate. Saying something sweet instead of something bitter.

That patina of grace is more than just surface manners, though. Many Southerners hold a deep belief that people are good and all lives are precious. Attitudes such as these are rewarded with trust and open hearts. Clients, family members, and acquaintances are more willing to believe the best about you when you blatantly believe the best about them. Of course, the opposite is true too. One who believes everyone lies, may believe you are lying, and may be lying to you.

I would so much rather live my life in that warm, comfortable, friendly and safe place exhibited by kindheartedness and courteousness. Even when accompanied with “bless your heart!”

Categories
Positivity

My Glass Is Very Half Full

The most patient girl.
Life is good most of the time. Maybe only some of the time really, but so much of how we take life is dependent on our attitudes. When we believe things will go well, they probably will. When we believe they won’t, they probably won’t. We find what we look for most of the time.

Once you believe the best about other people it is natural to elicit their best. There is an interesting study in the evolution of workforce management. Over the years, management theory has gone from believing all workers want to shirk their duties and get away with as much as they can – you have to heavily discipline them and guard against indolence – to believing that all workers have a desire to make a difference where they are working and should be incentivized to reach their potential.  This paradigm shift reflects the rest of life and our communal ethos.  Believing and expecting the best in people and in yourself brings out the best in those around you.

My dog Sandy is a great believer in expecting the best. She looks for the best in everything. She believes she will get a treat every time she comes in the house. She believes she’s going on a walk every time I put on my shoes. She believes she’s going to the bark park every time she hears my keys. These things rarely happen in comparison to her expectations, but she never gives up hoping. She’s pretty sure it’s all going to happen right now. And she is so happy for it. What if we were that simple? Would we be happier? I know that when I am with her and she has that happy, expectant look, I want to be the best dog owner I can be. She makes me feel happy.

Fill yourself with positives: positive people, positive attitudes, and positive actions.  These things will drive you forward with momentum and will breed more positives. More positives mean more successes and more happiness. If optimism’s glass is half full, mine is very half full.